Dear Coleen, I’m a 30-year-old woman and have a bit of an unusual problem. My parents have never married but, at Christmas, my dad confided in me that he was going to ask mum to marry him after more than three decades together.
I was delighted. I always hated the fact that I was the only kid among my friends whose parents weren’t married. The plan was to propose to my mum on her 60th birthday, which was last week.
He took her out for a romantic meal, bought her a gorgeous piece of jewellery and planned a lovely holiday for later in the year.
OK, so here’s the problem – my mum said no!
It wasn’t an angry no and she loves my dad and absolutely doesn’t want their relationship to end, but she says they’ve come this far without being married and maybe that’s the secret to their success.
My dad was shattered, though, and feels very flat and rejected. I don’t know what to do to make him feel better or if I should attempt to talk my mum round.
I’ve got to say, I feel awful for him and a bit annoyed with my mum because why wouldn’t she want to marry this great man who she clearly loves and wants to be with?
I feel like banging their heads together.
Please help!
Coleen says
Well, I kind of understand where your mum is coming from – why fix something that not only isn’t broken, but is actually very good?
I know a piece of paper shouldn’t make a difference, but I also know that sometimes, psychologically, it can.
Maybe you could open a discussion with your mum and ask her what she’s scared of, and it might simply be that she’s worried marriage will change things somehow.
Lots of people don’t believe they need a piece of paper to show commitment. But I also understand your dad being upset. Maybe he’s thinking she doesn’t love him as much as he thought she did.
I think your mum probably needs to reassure your dad some more that she loves him and doesn’t see the need because they’re happy.
I think they’ll move on from this, but your dad will have a bruised ego after building up to the proposal. It’s rejection at the end of the day, and hurts. So be there for him. Perhaps you could all go out for a meal and listen to each other.
As for you wishing your parents were married, I think it’s more shocking these days if you have parents who are still together – and yours are!
