My father is a generous if simple man who goes to work, the pub or home. He doesn’t have any friends outside of these places. He has no hobbies or friends. He is two years away from retirement and I have no idea what he will do when he does. I am in my 30s and my sister is in her late 20s.
Our mother died last year. Our parents were rarely physically affectionate with each other, although we had lots of kisses and cuddles. I got the feeling my father didn’t like having children – he used to complain if babies or kids screamed and ran about in restaurants – and our parents grew apart but stayed together for us.
When I was in my early teens, my mother once complained to me that she was getting no affection at all from him, not even cuddles let alone anything more. She was upset, but I think after that she resigned herself to having a loveless marriage. I remember my father staying up when we were younger watching late-night adult films but would always turn it over if we walked in.
When we were younger, he would also get angry but never do anything, just threaten to throw things or pretend to throw things. He has chilled out a lot since getting older.
I am with a loving, driven and creative fiancee and we had our firstborn baby three months ago. My father likes it when we visit – he’s a 20-minute drive away – but never offers to come over (he doesn’t drive, but there is a direct train) or offer to babysit. I visit for about an hour once a week but never look forward to it. He would be happy to live in a very dirty, grimy home, and just doesn’t see the health risks. Even one day after the cleaner comes, the house is in disarray, things are dirty again and I feel that it’s back to square one. Especially the kitchen, and bathroom, where somehow the toilet and seat are extremely dirty. It puts me off going round. My sister will go for the same amount of time and struggles to find anything to talk about with him.
I keep having these dreams about what to do when he retires. I am not sure whether this is linked to losing my mother and having a baby.
I’m really sorry to hear about your mother’s death and I think how you feel is definitely linked to this and having just had a baby – both seismic events. I got no idea at all from your longer letter what your mother was like, or what her influence on you or the family was (peacemaker, inspirer, go-getter etc), or how you got on with her. I do know that it is very early days, and that, when one person dies, relationships within families can change and shift in ways no one expects.
Having a baby come into your life also makes you view your parents in a different light – you can become at once more appreciative of what they have done, but more judgmental. Not having your mother at this time can be incredibly hard, because that conversation can’t happen. I wonder if you are looking at your father and find him woefully lacking. Is he looking at himself and feeling he is letting you down?
There was definitely an element, in your longer letter especially, of pointing out the negatives about your dad as if you were listing evidence of his failings. For whom? You have a new baby – it’s perfectly acceptable to stop going round to his for a while if you need to reset boundaries.
Maybe your mother was your favourite parent and you are angry with your father for not providing you what your mother did. Maybe, despite the lack of a physical relationship with her, your father misses your mother more than he thought he would. I don’t know. But I do see the tentacles of grief – yours, your sister’s, your father’s – all the way through this letter. You started off talking about your father quite warmly but it descended into something bordering on disdain. He sounds depressed. I wonder if any of you have had grief counselling? (Try Cruse Bereavement Care, or your local hospice if your mother was in one.) This would be a safe place for you to explore your feelings.
There are many positives in your life – a new baby, a supportive partner you love, a sibling you seem to get on with and a father who works, has some social life and is generous.
Your father may not have liked other people’s children, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t like you. Incidentally, your mother should not have used you as a confidante about their lack of a physical relationship. That is crossing a boundary – and I wonder who told you they stayed together because of the children. That’s quite a burden.
There was also an element of now feeling responsible for your father, and – maybe – resenting this. It is great you have got him a cleaner and you visit, but what he does with his life now is up to him. You are not responsible for him, but neither is he for you. Is this a space your mother filled for both of you, which is now vacant?
I wonder why the dreams concern you so much. I always find that when I have recurring dreams it is because there is something in real life I am trying to not face up to – my subconscious knocking for attention.
Your problems solved
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
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