As I’ve got older, my childhood has increasingly preyed on my mind. I grew up in a single-parent family. My mother was considered a wonderful woman: gentle, vulnerable, put upon, innocent, naive, abandoned by her beastly husband. My experience was that she was a vile, sadistic woman who grovelled and flattered in public, but in private sought to revive her ego by terrifying me. My father escaped her: she kept me.
As a young girl, she would regularly threaten to kill me and I would have to plead for my life. She would discipline me by threatening to kill herself and get me to promise to kill people she didn’t like. She would also subject me to humiliating and intimate washing routines which went on until I was a teenager.
I can’t remember doing anything pleasant with her as a child, or feeling safe in her company. Looking back, I think I really was in danger; her threats weren’t meaningless.
My mother is still considered to be delightful, gentle, innocent. I think she’s got away with a lot. I have children of my own and can’t imagine treating them that way. My question is, was this wrong? The washing thing: was that how people used to wash? Or was it weird? Was there a time when this kind of behaviour was normal? Might I be able now to make a complaint about her? I hate the thought that she’s got away with her horrid behaviour. She’s a vile human being.
I heavily edited your longer letter as I know you fear being identified, but I have rarely read one like it. The way your mother treated you was totally wrong: that’s not how people washed; yes, it was weird; and there was never a time when this behaviour was considered normal. What you endured was inhumane, abusive and horribly cruel. To have experienced what you did at such a young age was truly traumatic. And yet there you are in your letter, telling me about the good things in your life now, and asking about my own welfare. That’s an extraordinary testament to your spirit and personality.
To help me answer your question, I spoke to two professionals in child protection. We agreed that it depends what you want to achieve by making a complaint about your mother. I do not want to discourage you from doing so, but I also do not want you to suffer unnecessary further trauma.
People do make complaints about historical childhood abuse and get resolution. Many feel validated and listened to, often for the first time. Some go to trial, some don’t. Past or current abuse is investigated by specialist, trained officers and you would be offered support. There are various options to consider so you can make an informed choice that works for you.
You may think it’s your word against hers, but you’d also be surprised what evidence there might be and what comes out when something is investigated. It’s not your job to provide evidence, but for the police to look into.
You could call CrimeStoppers (0800 555111) anonymously to report what your mum did. Tom Squire, clinical manager (and a former probation officer) at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation (LFF), a child protection charity dedicated to preventing child sexual abuse, said people can often find it helpful telling someone in an official capacity without having to say who they are. It may not be so relevant in your case, but it’s something to think about. Squire suggested you could also call Stop It Now (a sister organisation to the LFF; 0808 1000 900) and someone could talk you through what might happen if you report this to the police.
You didn’t say how much support you’ve had. I have listed below some organisations you could contact to talk it through with someone: not only what happened to you but, also, what to do next (you can do so without giving your name). There’s also an excellent page on the NSPCC website that addresses non-recent abuse.
Whatever you do, I want it to be about you now. I understand how strongly you feel about your mother having got away with it. Many abusers present a charming face to society but are very different behind closed doors. It’s another way of isolating and manipulating the survivor.
napac.org.uk; lucyfaithfull.org.uk; stopitnow.org.uk; crimestoppers-uk.org; oneinfour.org.uk
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
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