Dear Coleen
I’m a man aged 38 and broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. She’s 34 and we’d been together for five years.
I’d known something was going on with her for a while, as she was acting differently and out a lot with her friends. Then one weekend she admitted she wasn’t happy and wanted to move on.
I’ve been trying to piece my life together ever since, and it’s not been easy. Last week, I had a big setback when a friend told me that my ex had started seeing another woman and their relationship is serious.
My brain is scrambled. During all those years together, she never once indicated that she was bi and fancied women.
I feel like a mug and it’s humiliating. I’ve since looked at her social media and there are a lot of photos on there of her with this woman. I’ve tried to talk to her to make sense of this, but she won’t take my calls.
It’s like the past five years meant absolutely nothing to her or didn’t exist at all.
What do I do and how can I move forward when she won’t even explain anything to me?
Coleen says
You’ll move on because you have to move on. I don’t think an explanation is going to make you feel better at this point.
Maybe she doesn’t want to explain – she might be worried she’ll hurt you more or you’ll argue, and what will it achieve?
She’s avoiding the confrontation and she can because the relationship is over, there are no ties (you don’t have kids by the sounds of it) and she’s made her choice.
There’s no getting away from it, the loss of someone you love is really painful, but sometimes you have to let things go for your own sanity and wellbeing.
You weren’t a mug at all – you loved her and at some point she loved you, but she’s decided she wants something different.
She might not have discovered her bisexuality until recently or until she met this woman, or it might be something she’s repressed for a long time. But whatever the reasons, she doesn’t want to talk and nothing she can say now will take your pain away.
When you’re further down the line and the heartbreak isn’t so intense, maybe that’s when you have the discussion around “I don’t understand what happened”.
This is the hard bit, so stay connected to your friends and family, and let them support you through it.
Good luck.
