I know it sounds ridiculous: I’m a queer woman who’s scared of vaginas. I’m scared of other people’s and I’m scared of my own. It doesn’t sound very feminist of me, does it? I’m happy with every other part of the female anatomy. I just don’t like the sensation of being inside anyone, including myself.
My first sexual experience was with a woman. I never spoke to her about my fear, and spent the whole time worried, self-conscious and guilty. Of course, it’s easy to say, “If they’re the right person, then they’ll understand” but in my experience it’s not been as simple as that. If I blurt out, “I’m scared of your vagina!” I sound as if I’m essentialising my partner, reducing them to their genitalia. It’s problematic and potentially offensive. So instead I avoided the conversation with her, and that relationship, like the others after it, broke down.
I’m not sure where the fear comes from exactly, even after months of therapy. I was beginning to think that if I was scared of vaginas, I couldn’t possibly be queer (I’ve been physical with men as well). I’m seeing someone new now – a woman – and a few days ago I had the courage to open up about it all. She was fine with everything, if a little bemused. I’m hoping that if this relationship breaks down, it will be because I didn’t take the bins out or she didn’t feed the cat, as opposed to the usual: me, being scared of vaginas.
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