I think of myself as hypersexual, or at the very top end of the range in terms of sex drive. I have been married for 18 years, and probably have sex every day; several times a week, it will be more than that. I don’t seem to tire of it or get bored. Sex is endlessly interesting to me, whether it’s the joy of the quickie or the sumptuousness of a full afternoon in the sheets.
But I have only ever been like this with my husband. I recently found out I have an attachment disorder: intimacy has always been a difficult thing for me, and sex with previous partners used to leave me feeling slightly revolted and sometimes even verging on panic. I was very good at fending off attention from potential partners, and discouraging any feelings from being born into any kind of relationship. Most especially, I was constantly falling for the “wrong guy” – the one who was emotionally cold, or distant, or not available.
It was only when I met my husband that I realised I could only be with a partner whom I trusted absolutely. Casual sex, which our culture seems to deify, is not for me. It was my husband who discovered what I am really like, and who was delighted to find himself with a wife who is basically constantly up for it.
Sex is incredibly important for me – I think of it as a healing power – and I put it on a pedestal. But should anything happen to my marriage – divorce, death or disease – I doubt I could manage it with anyone else. In any case, I think I have already had more than a lifetime’s worth.
• Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com
