Like many people, I endured neglect and sexual abuse in childhood. Without a model of healthy relationships, I became an extremely vulnerable teenager and unwittingly sought out partners and situations that recreated the pain, emptiness, fear and shame I associated with sex.
I believed my value came from what I could do for others, struggled to distinguish safety from danger, and was raped more than once. My mental health deteriorated and the addictions I used to self-soothe no longer worked. I was angry.
In my 20s, I committed to trauma therapy and a 12-step programme that addressed family dysfunction.
I started to understand how trauma shapes us; how we learn to adapt and survive by moving toward the thing we most fear, or avoiding it altogether; how dissociation had saved my life. Gradually, I gained compassion for myself and began to make new mistakes. My sexuality started to reveal itself in a new way.
For years, I continued to choose emotionally unavailable or sexually incompatible partners, but each relationship was healthier than the last. It became safer to enjoy my body. Over time, with the right people, sex became something I could speak about.
Now, as I approach my mid-30s, I can say, joyously, that I have an amazing sex life. I’m in a healthy relationship with the person I want to spend my life with. Our sex life is varied and encompasses deep intimacy, tenderness, kink and, most of all, choice.
I am more than a survivor. I am the author of my own sexual life.
• Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com
