As women, we are taught that men are ruled by sex, and that our power lies in our attractiveness. But whenever I attempt to seduce my husband of three years, I am met with rejection, excuses (“But I have to do the bins” was a particular low point), exasperation, or annoyance. My husband suffers from premature ejaculation, a problem that arose three months into our relationship.
He rarely lasts a whole minute, but, for me, the issue is not only our lack of sex. It’s the crushing look of disappointment on his face as our attempts at passion dry up within seconds, leaving him to retreat into his head and berate himself for being unable to please his wife. A sex counsellor assured us there is no physical cause, and he can last longer if he’s in the right mind frame. The challenge is getting him to that point, as any suggestion of sex from me means pressure to perform.
No matter how many times I try to explain to him that touching, kissing and intimacy are more important than penetration, for him sex is scary. Apart from this, we are happy. Supportive, open, strong. We communicate well, laugh constantly. He is affectionate and works hard for our little family (we have a one-year-old). He is an amazing man who never ceases to make me smile. I couldn’t love him more.
But I’m tired of waiting patiently for my husband to have the confidence to caress me, frustrated as my body cries out to be touched. Neither of us wants to bring up the possibility of being intimate. So we lie in silence. Him terrified of failing, me terrified of being rejected again.
• Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com
