Dear Coleen,
I met my husband when we were in our mid-30s and we’re both turning 40 next year, which is a big milestone. I’ve always wanted children, but I never found myself in the right relationship at the right time.
When I met my husband he seemed keen to start a family, at least that’s what he said.
But while there’s no sense of urgency with him, I think about it constantly. I realise I’m running out of time in terms of conceiving naturally, so I broached the baby subject again last week and was very upset by what he said.
He basically went on about how happy we’ve been over the past few years and was I sure I wanted to have a family at this point? It was almost like he was saying we’d missed our chance. It wasn’t a “no”, but I was just very disappointed by how he felt, as I thought we both wanted the same things.
We do have fun together and as we met later than most of our friends, I understand where he’s coming from, but I think it’s now or never.
We’ve both been a bit subdued since the “big chat” and I’m not sure how to break the deadlock. Any ideas?
Coleen says
Well, it’s not as if you’ve only been together six months. It sounds like you’ve been with each other for four or five years, but maybe this is the first time you’ve talked about it seriously and it’s thrown up a few doubts or questions.
I think the important thing to do is to keep the momentum going and keep talking about it.
In the meantime, it might help you to get your fertility tested and get some indication of what the timeframe is, or if there are any potential issues.
This is a more urgent dilemma for you and he should appreciate that, so you have to ask him to be really honest about what he wants. Does he not want a baby, but doesn’t know how to say it, or is he worried he’ll lose you by coming out and saying it?
Yes, women do conceive naturally in their 40s, but the odds are stacked against you. So, if you want to try, you need to do it now.
Don’t sweep this under the carpet and let it drift for another six months or a year. Keep having chats and stay calm. Of course you can’t force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but if being a mum is at the top of your list then you might have a big decision to make.
