Dear Coleen, I’m a woman in my 50s and have been married for 25 years. It’s been a happy marriage for the most part, but I’ve found myself disagreeing with my husband on a big decision and neither of us will budge.
He sold his business last year, so is retired and I teach part time. He hates the winters in this country and wants to move somewhere warmer, like Spain or Italy, and retire there.
He actually gets quite depressed in winter and is a pain to live with. I see the attraction of moving abroad, but I don’t want to go.
I still enjoy my job, and my family and social life are all in this country. We have two kids at university, who I think still need us.
I really do not want to start all over again in a foreign country, making new friends and starting a whole new life in my 50s.
We are arguing about this constantly and it’s getting to the point where I want to tell him to go by himself!
How do we get past something like this where neither of us will change our mind and give in?
He says I have no sense of adventure and the move would be exciting and fun, plus we would only be a short flight away from family.
But I like my life and don’t want to be uprooted.
Please help.
Coleen says
If you definitely don’t want to up sticks and move permanently, rather than being angry, try to find a compromise. Perhaps suggest to your husband that going forward, whatever chance you get, you’ll take a trip abroad.
Or, if he can afford it after selling his business, buy somewhere small overseas, so in winter he can escape for a few weeks when you’re busy teaching.
Maybe if you’re open to trying a few different things, it’ll help you gain perspective and you’ll get a clearer idea of what you do and don’t want.
And he might realise that it’s not so great being abroad without you.
Extending your holidays in an Airbnb might also be an option to help your hubby get through the winter gloom.
Yes, it’s tempting to just sell up and move away, but I think your husband also needs to realise that the holiday vibe (and the novelty) will probably wear off once you live somewhere permanently.
It’ll become your real life – you’ll still have bills to pay, grocery shopping to do and you’ll need to find new things to occupy yourselves and build a social network.
However, if you did take the plunge and relocate permanently, I’m sure you wouldn’t be short of visitors.
I have a friend who did it and she says there isn’t one month a year when she has no friends or family coming to stay.
