My husband and I never have sex at home, only at our friends’ places or in hotel rooms. We’ve lived together, improbably, for four years now. When we hooked up six years ago I never expected anything serious, just a one-night stand with a hot flight attendant.
After 15 casual sexual encounters we had a screaming row about my sleeping with someone else, and after the 16th, we decided to be in an exclusive relationship. After 40 meet-ups, he brought home an exotic strain of gonorrhoea; when we had got over the shock, and finished a course of antibiotics, we started planning the wedding.
It took us a while to find the right place to live together and we stayed with friends for the first three months. We had an incredible amount of sex during that time, of which he was nearly always the instigator – using words such as “she’s out for milk – let’s gooooo”. We kept this up for the first few months in our own home, but gradually we ended up just cuddling in our shared bed, and, after a few rejected attempts on my part to spice things up a bit, I settled for just that.
He admitted once (when I tried to have sex with him on the kitchen floor) that my furniture was too “me”, it intruded on his mind – he preferred anonymous spaces. And, truly, when we’re not home, suddenly it’s all fireworks again: in a friend’s guest room during a dinner party, in countless hotels, and a few times in very public situations that I still feel anxious about.
I do love the excitement – but I’m feeling increasingly manipulated. My husband is the “bottom”, and he’s always ready when he decides we’re doing it. I feel as if he’s treating me like his dirty secret, and that makes me worry about what he’s getting up to in all those foreign hotels he’s staying in. We make increasing use of the blindfold and other BDSM materials, and on a recent hotel visit he suggested inviting up one of the waiters he’d been flirting with to “share” him. I don’t know if I can cope with the emotional whiplash for much longer. How can I get the balance back in our life?
Maintaining heightened eroticism in a marriage is not always possible, but you two have achieved this, albeit fleetingly. This has happened largely because the contrasting nature of your lifestyles has helped you to reconnect with the passionate, diverse and somewhat forbidden nature of some of your most exciting early encounters, and has also supported the maintenance of your sexual individuality. Both of these aspects are known to enhance a couple’s erotic connection. On the one hand, they are blessings; on the other hand you have entered a phase of life where you crave true intimacy, while your husband still thrives on spontaneous, creative sex.
Your contrasting sexual styles are both valid and legitimate, but, in the context of your long term relationship, some negotiation needs to occur between you to ensure that the needs of both of you are met. Listen to each other’s point of view and share your own feelings. Some couples agree to try a 50/50 split. In your case, that split could be between “at home” sex and sex elsewhere.
But I suspect the thing that is bothering you the most is that, in common with many people who “top” exclusively, you are experiencing burnout. To make matters worse, he is passively controlling. This too must be discussed, and challenged in a non-blaming manner.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
