I am 49 and have been married for 28 years. My husband suffers from major depression and chronic pain. Recently, we introduced various toys to arouse him. After I achieved orgasm and attempted to satisfy him, he told me to stop, so I did. But now he is angry with me, insisting that I did not try hard enough and it was just about me.
It is never easy to be in a relationship with someone struggling with depression and chronic pain. Your efforts seem sterling, but stepping out of your comfort zone can also create your own resentment. Set boundaries, and calmly insist that you do not become the brunt of his frustration.
When trying to bolster sexual experience for someone who suffers from chronic pain, erotic stimulation from aids such as sex toys – although often useful – needs to be combined with an awareness of the ebb and flow of pain. Sex should only be attempted at times when his pain is lowest and when pain medication is at its peak.
Of course, this puts a burden on you to be ready and available according to his timetable, and there is no denying this is hard. Perhaps you might have a heartfelt discussion with him about what would work best for both of you. Many couples with similar challenges find that mutual satisfaction is near-impossible within one lovemaking session, and instead take it in turns to be the receiver of pleasure from one time to the next.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
