Dear Coleen, I’ve been with my husband for five years and we have an 18-month-old son. He is a fitness fanatic and a few months ago started going to a spin class and became friendly with a woman there.
He always talked really open about her and I never felt threatened or imagined for a minute that he felt anything for her other than friendship.
I knew they sometimes went to a cafe together after the class and he’d tell me about their conversation. I suppose being busy with a young child and my job meant I didn’t see the signs that something was developing between them.
Then a couple of weeks ago, he admitted to me one night that he thought he was falling in love with her.
He was upset and said he never intended this to happen, but he’s become close to her, although nothing physical has actually happened.
I felt heartbroken and furious with him, and also angry with myself for being such a fool. We’ve talked a lot since and he’s said he doesn’t want to leave me and hopes to keep this woman as a friend and move on from it.
He seems to think he deserves a medal for being honest and now just expects me to carry on like nothing has happened. I would welcome your advice.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
He’s become emotionally intimate with another woman and now he’s admitted he’s falling in love with her. So of course she can’t be a friend if he wants to stay married to you.
I think the message is find another spin class!
Having spoken to other women in this situation, I know that an emotional affair can hurt just as much as a sexual one (maybe even more) and can be just as hard to move on from.
The thought of your partner really caring for someone else is devastating. The bottom line is that the trust has been broken and he’s hurt you badly, which not only has consequences for your marriage, but it’s damaged your self-esteem and confidence.
On the positive side, he has recognised where this friendship was headed and he’s come clean before they ended up in bed together.
However, I’m confused about why he now expects to keep the friendship going – is he naive or is it because he doesn’t want to let this woman go?
If you want to move on with him, he needs to cut all ties with her and commit to rebuilding your relationship.
He needs to own what he did and be honest about why it happened too.
