Dear Coleen
I greatly admire the sound advice you give in your column and I’m hoping you can help me. I’m in my late-40s, I’ve been happily married to a lovely man for more than 20 years and we have children together.
I know he loves me too but he’s been unwell for years and has become cranky and distant with me, both emotionally and sexually, because of his condition. This is hurtful and frustrating for me and I imagine he can’t be truly happy either.
I work as a care assistant and have developed strong feelings for one of my male clients. He’s always on good form despite his health issues and is very flirtatious, and makes it obvious that he wants to sleep with me.
I know this is wrong on so many levels, but each time I call to see him, I’m sorely tempted. I know this would end in disaster – it would ruin my marriage, upset my family, compromise my carer/client code of conduct and I’d be risking my career and lovely life.
I’ve made it clear to my client that there can be nothing between us, as I love my husband and it would be very wrong to act on these feelings. Please advise me!
Coleen says
I think you know what you have to do – you’ve listed all the reasons why it would be a very bad idea to get involved romantically with this man. Of course it’s not worth it.
What you’re really craving is the same reaction from your husband that you’re getting from this guy. You miss your husband and your client is filling that gap by making you feel attractive and sexy.
If I were you, and I know it’s hard if you’ve formed an attachment, I’d ask if someone else could step in and be his carer. You’re clearly vulnerable right now and need to remove yourself from this situation. I think it’s good that you’ve been direct with this man and told him nothing can happen.
You also need to have a deep discussion with your husband – be honest about how you’re feeling about him and the marriage. While you love him and understand the limitations of his condition, you need to start communicating and finding joy in life. Be honest that the situation is making you question your relationship because it doesn’t seem to bring either of you much happiness.
Maybe he needs a reminder of what he’s got to lose.
