Over our 17 years together, I have always thought my husband and I had different sex drives (mine higher than his), but over the past 10 years he has rarely wanted sex, believing that four times a year is normal. He has finally begun to confront his issues and – after having something of a breakdown at work – has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. He now tells me he has never felt “100%” about our sex life and can’t just “conjure up the feelings”. He also says he has a fear of intimacy. Am I a fool to think he could ever get past these feelings through therapy, which he is starting, or should I just give up on a fulfilling sex life?
Try not to take his confessions personally. His low libido may well be found to have medical or psychological causes, and a thorough investigation and treatment could lead to considerable improvement. The therapeutic process can be healing and lead to vast improvements in mental, sexual and relationship health. Support him in this process as best you can and, if possible, seek your own help and/or join him in couples’ therapy. It is terribly painful to feel needy and to lose hope, and you deserve to have your needs met. In the meantime, work on resolving the underlying resentment you have. It will help to understand his struggle with clinical anxiety and how that affects his sexual desire and arousal.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
