Dear Coleen
I’ve been married for three years and have an eight-month-old baby. I thought my marriage was solid, but a few nights ago, my husband sent me a text clearly meant for another woman.
He mentioned her name and they were arranging meeting up to walk. He also talked about “having some fun” and said he couldn’t wait to get his hands on her.
Obviously, I confronted him and he couldn’t deny it, as I had the evidence on my own phone. He claims they haven’t slept together, but admitted they got “too close”. He blamed lockdown, his job and having a new baby – everything and everyone but himself.
I don’t know where we go from here. I love him and, oddly, our sex life has never been better. I’m so hurt, though, and don’t know if I can get over this betrayal. I’d love some advice.
Coleen says
It takes time to get over something like this. I don’t think it’s really a question of whether they did or didn’t have a physical relationship – the intention was there and if he hadn’t been found out, it probably would have progressed to one.
When this happened to me, it wasn’t about the sex as much as the betrayal of him getting close to another woman emotionally.
And here’s the thing, you’ve gone through the stuff he’s using as excuses, too – lockdown and a new baby. Lots of people have babies and we’ve all been stressed to hell in lockdown, so those reasons don’t cut it.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to get through this overnight because you won’t. It’s going to take a lot of talking and maybe even counselling. There needs to be a lot of reassurance and work from him.
But sometimes, although you can forgive, you can’t get the trust back – only you can know.
Maybe it’s the kick up the backside he needs – to have to face losing all that’s dear to him. Finally, don’t blame yourself for any of it. It’s on him.
