I am really frustrated with my husband. He is irritable, disengaged and sulky. When I ask what’s wrong, he replies “nothing”, but then later attacks me about how he would be in a much better mood if we had sex more. But I don’t want to have sex with a person who constantly tries to make me feel ashamed/guilty over not wanting him. Would opening up the relationship help?
When anger arises in a relationship and becomes as pervasive as it has in your marriage, it causes such a gulf between the partners that getting back on track – including recovering your erotic connection – can be enormously challenging. I understand your despair, but an open relationship is not the answer. What is required is a frank and respectful expression of true feelings, and a serious attempt by both of you to solve this impasse.
Many people are afraid of their anger and do not know how or where to direct it. Your husband seems to prefer a passive-aggressive style, and perhaps neither of you is comfortable with expressing anger directly. But unexpressed anger kills sexual feelings and destroys relationships, so finding a way to express it appropriately is vital. Very often, other feelings lie beneath the anger and they need to be expressed in a way that avoids blame, shame or escalation of conflict, and acknowledges the underlying pain. There is no magic wand to restore your sex life; just talk.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
