I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve been married for three years, and have a son who’s nearly two. I haven’t been happy in my marriage for a while now, mostly because my husband just seems to have given up on himself.
He’s turned into a slob, takes no care over his appearance and puts virtually nothing into the relationship. I just keep thinking: “What’s the point?”
I have tried talking to him, but it always turns into an argument. He just says things like: “If you feel that way, why did you marry me?”
To confuse things further, I have reconnected with an old boyfriend online over the lockdowns and the friendship has definitely veered into flirting territory.
He’s single and I keep thinking about what it would be like if we got back together, not that we’ve ever discussed it.
I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m unhappy and don’t want to be married if it’s going to be miserable like this for the rest of our lives.
Any ideas on how I can move forward? My husband is a good dad and works hard, but I feel he’s totally lost interest in himself and in us.
Coleen says
Firstly, the past 14 months have put a lot of pressure on relationships, so it’s worth putting your marriage issues into that context. Have the lockdowns played a part in your husband’s change of attitude and your discontentment, or did the problems start before that?
Also, if he’s struggling a bit with feeling low, pointing out his flaws and what he’s doing wrong probably isn’t the best way to have a constructive conversation. It’s going to make him defensive and feel even worse.
Tell him you’re worried about the relationship and have noticed he’s changed, and that you want to talk about it and also hear how he feels.
Rather than looking for answers in this online flirtation, talk to your husband and discuss what you can do to improve things if that’s what you both want.
You’ve only been married for three years, so what’s caused such a quick decline?
I would also resist making life-changing decisions while we’re emerging from lockdown. You might find that when life returns to “normal” and gets busier, he’ll get his mojo back.
If you try and it still doesn’t feel right, then you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. But don’t let this other guy from your past distract you.
