Dear Coleen
I’ve been married for nearly 10 years to a lovely guy and we have one child.
Before meeting him, I’d had a string of loser boyfriends, who weren’t good to me, so when my (now) husband came along he ticked a lot of boxes – reliable, trustworthy, committed.
He was basically all the things my exes weren’t and that was very appealing.
The problem is, I’m not sexually attracted to him – there’s no lust and no passion, and I’m finding myself attracted to other men and daydreaming about sleeping with them.
There’s a single guy I know through work who I have a flirtatious friendship with and I do really fancy him. Things have never spilled over into anything physical, although I know they could if the opportunity was there.
I feel very guilty about this because my husband is a great person and he would do anything for me, and I know I’m lucky to have him.
Is this other guy just a fantasy or could it be something deeper? And do you think things can ever get better between me and my husband?
Coleen says
I think you are fantasising because you’re missing excitement in your marriage. It sounds to me as if you might have been attracted to the drama in previous relationships, but realised it wasn’t good for you, so plumped for a husband who is steady and safe.
But I think you’re very vulnerable to having an affair because the sexual side of your relationship is lacking. I think the question is, have you ever been physically attracted to your husband?
If you have, then yes, with effort, it is possible to relight that fire.
However, if you’ve never found him physically attractive, I don’t think it’s something you can work on.
Sex isn’t the be all and end all, especially when you’ve been together a while, but it’s still important and it would be sad if you ended up cheating on a man who’s been so good to you because that side of your relationship isn’t being fulfilled.
I know it’s hard and the truth hurts, but you should be honest with him. Yes, ultimately it might end in separation, but it might be best for you both in the long term. I know I wouldn’t want a partner to stay with me out of duty or guilt, even if I really loved him.
