Dear Coleen
I split with my husband a few months ago. It was his decision– he said he wasn’t happy any more, wasn’t sure where our relationship was going and needed to figure out what he wanted.
It came out of nowhere really, even though I can admit our marriage lacked excitement in the couple of years leading up to the separation.
Our 12-year-old daughter now spends most weekends with him and I feel very lonely. All my friends are in couples and I feel like a spare part.
To complicate things, I saw my ex over Christmas and one night when our daughter was in bed, we had a couple of drinks and he started saying all this stuff about being worried he’d been too hasty in leaving the marriage. He told me how sexy I looked and even moved in for a kiss, but I got up and made it clear I wasn’t going there.
I’m confused and don’t know how to move on. I basically don’t know whether I’m coming or going right now.
I have no idea if he was serious or if it was just the drink talking, but I don’t want to be messed around. Please advise.
Coleen says
OK, so far this has all been about him and what he wants, but what do you want? I think it’s important for you to think about how you see your future or it is going to be hard to move on. You need to give yourself the space to do that, which means not putting yourself in situations with him where he can play with your mind and emotions.
It feels to me that he has the power here. He’s left you and now he’s dangling a carrot. Of course it’s going to feel unsettling and confusing. Who knows why he’s doing this – ego, trying to have the best of both worlds or maybe he’s realised the grass isn’t greener.
Don’t be at his mercy. Figure out what you want and start taking your power back by keeping contact with him to organise arrangements for your daughter. If that means asking your mum or a friend to drop off and collect your daughter for a while, then do that.
As far as friends go, I’m sure they’d feel terrible if they knew you felt like a spare part, so tell them how you feel.
You don’t have to third wheel it with couples – you can see your girlfriends on their own.
I’m sure if you confided in them, they’d help to give you the confidence to move forward. Good luck.
