My husband and I are really struggling to get our sex life back on track after having two children. We’re both exhausted all the time and, after a period of postnatal depression, I have zero sex drive. I’m also terrified of penetrative sex as I really, really don’t want to have any more children – abortion is not an option for me. Is there any way out of this? I feel our marriage is really starting to suffer.
Fear of pregnancy is a common desire-quencher – in fact, everything you have told me amounts to a normative period of sex being a low priority. Over a person’s lifetime, there will be a natural ebb and flow of desire, so try not to panic. Birth control is, of course, a personal decision, but there are many choices that could help assuage your fears of conception and lead to a greater sense of sexual safety.
Beyond that, when you achieve hormonal balance; when you both feel less anxious, stressed and exhausted; and when you can manage to have more relaxed, private time together, you will find your desire returning. Start now to take some gradual steps to reduce your fatigue, such as seeking occasional childcare help or restructuring the sharing of household chores with your husband.
Try to become true partners in managing this stressful time and it will create important new bonds – sexual and otherwise – for the rest of your life together.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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