Dear Coleen
I’m married for the second time to a man who’s 10 years older – I’m 38 and he’ll be 48 next month.
We’re in love and our relationship is strong, but I’m having a lot of problems with his 20-year-old daughter, who’s been living with us.
She’s always been a bit rude and difficult, and clearly doesn’t like the fact I’m married to her dad.
I wasn’t the cause of his marriage ending, but we did start dating not long after he separated from his wife. The marriage had been limping along for years, so he was open to another relationship.
His daughter doesn’t seem to think I have any say in my own home and always defers to him, which really annoys me.
She deliberately undermines me at every opportunity and, to be honest, lockdown has been a nightmare, mostly because she’s been there throughout.
She also talks about her mum all the time, which I find difficult. I’m sure she’d claim she doesn’t know she’s doing it, but again, I think it might be deliberate.
Can you help?
Coleen says
Have you actually sat down and talked to her woman to woman? Rather than being confrontational or nagging her to do things, just sit down with her or take her out for a coffee and be honest.
Say you’re sorry if she has a problem with you and you’d like to talk about it.
Reassure her that you married her dad because you love him, and you care about her, too, but equally, you don’t like being ignored or feeling like a visitor in your own home, and you want to try to make it work.
If she gets mad, you have to be the adult here and resist the temptation to shout back. I’ve never been a step-parent, but I know it’s a tough gig – you want your partner’s child to like and respect you, but you can’t force it.
It’s a delicate situation and you need to be patient.
And when my kids get on my nerves, I still love them because they’re mine, so issues are easier to resolve.
Talk to your husband, too, who should be asking his daughter to compromise, so you can all live together happily.
And if he has any relationship with his ex-wife, then maybe she can help too by speaking to her daughter.
