Dear Coleen
My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-30s and have been together for seven years. Until recently I thought we were best friends. However, a couple of weeks ago she admitted she wanted some “space” and thought it would be good for our relationship to spend more time apart.
Her sister has recently moved abroad temporarily for work and my girlfriend said she could live in her sister’s flat to look after it, and come back to our place a couple of nights a week.
I was pretty shocked, as this idea seemed to come out of nowhere. I thought we were happy together, but she says we need more “romance” and this arrangement would be like dating again.
I can’t help feeling hurt and rejected, and worry that it’s just the first step in ending the relationship – a way of easing me out gently.
We don’t have kids and we’re not married, so there’s nothing tying us together, so to speak.
What should I do? I’m not interested in a part-time girlfriend and I’m nervous about where it’s all leading.
Should I say no and see what happens or go along with it and feel like I’m in limbo? I’d love your take on it.
Coleen says
I think if she wanted to end the relationship, she’d just leave and go to her sister’s. As you say, you don’t have kids and you’re
not married, so it would be easy for her to cut the cord and not look back.
She’s obviously feeling unfulfilled and unhappy, so it’s important you acknowledge those feelings.
You’re in your mid-30s and it sounds as if you haven’t talked about marriage and kids, so I wonder why?
Maybe those things aren’t important to either of you and that’s fine, but most people kick around the idea when they get to your age and have been together a while.
Perhaps your girlfriend feels as if the relationship isn’t progressing and it’s become a bit stale. Maybe you’ve got too comfortable and don’t make the effort for each other any more. So, you have to talk about it – what you want from the relationship now and in the future and what’s not working.
I think spending time apart can help to revive things if it makes you realise you want to be together and work on any issues. But it’s important you’re both committed to putting in the work.
Also, you need to talk about boundaries around this arrangement – it’s not a green light to start leading a single life.
