My girlfriend has a very colourful sexual past, having been in at least three threesomes. This, coupled with the fact that she travels for her work and most of her friends are male, puts me in constant fear of being cheated on (having been cheated on in the past). And this drives me to have irrational reactions and outbursts. I really love this girl and I have no doubt about wanting to be with her, but I can’t continue living with so much anxiety and depression about our relationship. I don’t know what to do.
Loving sexual relationships should not be continually painful, but for those people who are prone to always imagining the worst, they often are. Furthermore, your girlfriend’s “colourful sexual past” is unimportant: what matters is that she has chosen to be with you. This is a wonderful truth.
Of course, you also have the choice to walk away. But you probably won’t, because something about this torturous situation may be unconsciously familiar. Many people are hampered by past trauma and it may be that this is true for you. If so, you need to heal. In any case, you must find strategies for soothing your anxiety, which may well be a more general challenge for you, not just due to jealous concerns.
Seek help to increase your self-esteem and to understand why you continue to allow yourself to be tortured like this. Repeat daily affirmations to remind yourself that you are worthy of faithful love and that your girlfriend can be trusted. Urgently learn self-soothing, anti-anxiety strategies, whether it is yoga or meditation, or another technique that works for you. Don’t let your fears prevent you from being as happy as you deserve to be.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
