I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know – she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?
Do nothing. Have your shower and let her get on with it. Such behaviour is very common and you need not worry that she secretly dislikes making love with you.
Many women crave a second orgasm, especially if she has been super-aroused during intercourse. Perhaps she doesn’t want to bother you for that extra pleasuring, or maybe she is afraid you might think her too demanding. Many people – male and female – find the type of orgasm they have during masturbation (for women, often clitorally focussed) to be qualitatively different from what is experienced during lovemaking. They find masturbation produces a deeply satisfying orgasm without the anxiety that can accompany partner sex.
Sex with you could be fulfilling for her in myriad ways that cannot be reproduced during masturbation, yet she just happens to want that extra one. You may call that “insatiable”; I would call her “sexually proficient” and you “lucky” that she is so aroused by you. You might also consider the possibility that she is truly multi-orgasmic.
If you wish to participate beyond your established love-making pattern, ask what exactly she would like you to do for her after you have climaxed. Be prepared to follow orders exactly – or be told to hit the shower.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
