I am 22 years old and have been with the same girl for five years. It used to be a long-distance relationship, but now we live together. It has been quite stressful as we are both working and studying, and we have settled into a rhythm that isn’t particularly exciting or romantic. We very rarely have sex.
At a young age, you are experiencing the types of problems more commonly faced by older people in long-term relationships. You have learned early on that the challenges of daily life can have a sobering effect on sex and romance. But cohabitation is an adult step in which partners can learn what it is like to be together and how well they manage the necessary give and take.
Stress can have a profound effect on sexual desire and arousal, and requires prevention and management. This is probably your greatest joint challenge. But it sounds as if you are disappointed that things between you are not idyllic, or at least occasionally pleasurable and exciting. You do not have to have these feelings of malaise and disappointment for ever, but it is important to explore and address them with energy and empathy, and without blame.
Sit down with your partner and tell her all the positive feelings you have for her. Then ask: “What about you? What’s working for you, and what is not?” Creating a safe atmosphere to openly and non-defensively discuss sexual and relationship issues is essential in terms of longevity as a couple.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
