I am a 28-year-old gay man. In previous relationships I was – mainly – the top. I have been with my current partner for two years and in this relationship I have only been the bottom, as my partner has a fear of it. I am very frustrated, and have contemplated cheating, which fills me with guilt. I love him very much, but feel as though we are incompatible on this basic level.
Power struggles between couples can manifest in many ways, with sexuality just one of the common battlegrounds. The real problem often lies in broader issues, so I ask you: why now? In which other ways are you feeling that the unspoken contract between you is unfair? Some people find it easier to complain about sex than, say, spending, but to save your relationship you must address all troubling issues directly.
Nevertheless, your feelings about sexual bottoming are perfectly valid. A conversation about fairness, in which you honestly express your feelings and ask for change, is needed. Try to delve into the metaphoric meanings of topping and bottoming for both of you. Once you feel truly understood, attempt to renegotiate that contract, expressing yourself calmly and clearly. If there is an impasse, discuss other options, including outside arrangements.
But note – in consensual sex, the person bottoming is in control (psychologically topping, since he has the power to withdraw his permission). Do you really want to give that up?
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
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