Dear Coleen,
I’m not sure what to do about a situation with a friend of mine. We met when our kids were at nursery, so have known each other a few years.
I liked her initially because she has a sense of humour and is fun to be around, and quite unlike the other mums I’ve met in that she doesn’t take herself or life in general too seriously.
My problem is, we had a girls’ weekend away with a couple of other friends recently to cheer her up, as she’d recently thrown out her long-term partner for cheating (although we don’t know all the details).
On the trip, she was a bit crazy in a pub, shouting at the landlord over a drinks order. She got drunk a lot and was also rude to me and the others.
I decided to cut her some slack, but since we got back she’s been showing up at my house pretty much every day unannounced and constantly calls and texts about dramas.
I don’t want to sound unkind, but I’ve got two kids and a job, and I value family time in the evenings, so this is all getting a bit much for me.
What should I do?
Coleen says
I think it’s about putting a few boundaries in place.
Why not say casually: “Do you mind just dropping me a text to let me know you’re coming and I’ll tell you if I have time or if I’m up to my eyes with the kids?”
You could add you don’t want her making the trip and then you don’t have enough time to talk to her properly.
Look, I think we are drawn into our friends’ dramas – if your husband left tomorrow, you’d need her and your other friends to help you get through it.
I think her behaviour on the trip was her acting up because of what she’s been through – going a bit wild and looking for attention. It sounds as if she hasn’t shared much information about the break-up, so maybe she’s embarrassed or doesn’t really know how to talk about it. I think if you’re good friends, it’s OK to tell her how you felt about her behaviour on the trip, and she might go away and think about it and understand where you’re coming from.
But, because she’d been drinking, she might not even remember or realise she was being obnoxious.
And if she falls out with you, then problem sorted – she won’t be turning up unannounced any more!
Hopefully, though, it’ll open up a more honest conversation that you’ll both benefit from.
