Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my late 20s and I work in a small team with really fun people. There’s a lot of banter and I suppose quite a flirty atmosphere sometimes.
Anyway, long story short, I’m single and I’m always talking about my rubbish love life and how desperate I am to meet someone. There’s one guy in the office who I get on really well with, but he’s married with a baby, so I’d never go there.
However, I think he’s got the wrong idea and believes I fancy him, which is mortifying.
I can’t think of anything I’ve done to give him this impression, other than my usual flirty banter, but I don’t single him out for this – I’m the same with everyone.
The other night, the whole team went out for food and a few drinks and he came up to me at the bar and was being very obvious that he fancied me and wanted something to happen.
I laughed it off and kept telling him he’d had too much to drink, and then he took my hand and kissed it, so I pulled away and made an excuse about needing to get home.
I feel terrible because he’s married and also my workmates have got the wrong idea, too, and assumed I was coming on to him, so there have been some bad vibes. I’ve had lots of lectures about going after married men. How do I sort this out and save face?
Coleen says
Well, it’s unfair that you’re the one getting all the stick. However, maybe it’s highlighted that work is the wrong place to flirt and talk about your love life. There’s a fine line with flirting – I have a friend who’s a huge flirt, but then gets upset if someone feels she’s led them on.
You have to understand that not everyone will receive your flirting in the same way – some will get it and take it as light-hearted banter, but others will read more into it, and it sounds like this might be the case with your married workmate.
I think the best idea is to be direct with him and shut it down – tell him you’re sorry if you’ve given him the wrong impression, but you were just messing about and you’re not interested in being anything other than friends and colleagues.
You know you haven’t done anything terrible, but other people who see you flirting all the time might question why you’re doing it and in this case assume you were the one making a pass at him.
Why not make work a flirt-free zone? It doesn’t mean you can’t still have a laugh with your colleagues.
If you love your job and value your working relationships, then take a step back and think about what you want to achieve and how you want people to see you. I think the flirting is focused on the wrong bunch of people.
