There are many reasons why I feel I must review my exposure to, and deployment of, social media in 2017. Not the least of these is all those long pronouncements that people insist on handing down on why 2016 was a bastard of a year. These windy sermons are written in the style of the Gettysburg address and can cover anything from the denouement of so many celebrities to the bad attitude of a rogue check-out assistant at Tesco. People who seemingly have no problem with the UK government’s immigration policies or who think we should be cracking down hard on benefit cheats while ignoring corporate tax avoidance nevertheless insist on telling the rest of us why Donald Trump and Brexit have made 2016 such a disastrous year.
And while I can only sympathise with the families of George Michael, David Bowie and Prince for their sad losses in 2016, I dislike how their deaths, in the eyes of otherwise sane people, renders the year a bad one. For those ordinary people who had to mourn the deaths of their own loved ones, the death of a distant A-lister doesn’t make the year any worse. The year 2016 was a momentous one, but it wasn’t significantly better or worse than most other years.
I predict that 2017 will be just as momentous as 2016 and that quite a lot of famous people will die during its course. Don’t hold me, though, to any of the following predictions about how the year will unfold.
In February, following a long campaign by the Humanist Society in Scotland, the SNP government will pass a law making it an offence for parents to compel their children to walk past churches without offering them at least two other route options. A Scottish government spokeswoman says: “Scotland is a diverse and inclusive country but we can’t have impressionable young minds exposed to ideas about unconditional love and turning the other cheek to your enemies.” Patrick Harvie, a co-convener of Scotland’s Green party welcomes the move and reveals that plans are well advanced to force broadcasters to provide a warning before screening any programmes that depict Christian worship.
This March, a proposal will be unveiled that is expected to lead to a long-awaited revolution in Scottish football. From now on, no person will be admitted to a Scottish Football Association (SFA) coaching course until he can first demonstrate that he can walk and talk at the same time. This is expected to disqualify about 90% of Scottish football’s youth coaches and ensure that the international team can begin the task of reducing the gap between ourselves and the likes of Benin and Mali. An SFA spokesman says: “Passing the ball quickly to members of your own team has long been recognised as a fundamental principle of the modern game and we feel that Scotland is now ready to embrace this concept.”
After Scotland’s local government elections in May 2017, not a single council will remain under Labour’s control. In Glasgow, they will come in third behind the Tories. Kezia Dugdale, the Labour leader in Scotland, says: “In retrospect, the decision to hand out free union jack mugs to the party faithful bearing the slogan ‘Socialism Is for Losers’ might have upset our core vote in working-class areas.”
June will be a quiet month, but it will end with the news that Nigel Farage has been successful in his application to become a bellhop at Trump Tower after his intense lobbying of the newly installed US president. “I feel I can be just as effective a lickspittle in US/UK relations as Tony Blair and Margaret Thatcher were,” he says.
The summer will see the revelation of an explosive email exchange between the offices of two senior SNP strategists. “Look, [name redacted], I want independence for Scotland as much as the next chiel, but almost 200 special advisers aren’t far away from collecting their pensions. Independence could see us booted out of government and the chaps losing out on some entitlements. NS advice is just to keep hiding behind Brexit.”
What can it all mean?
The nation will be in mourning in September after Edinburgh loses its status as a Unesco world heritage site. The development comes after Edinburgh city council plans to erect a giant concrete wheelie bin at the east end of Princes Street, which will entirely overshadow Calton Hill. “We feel that this conveys a message about Edinburgh’s commitment to the environment. The concrete will be sculpted in a Greek, neoclassical style, in keeping with other buildings on Calton Hill,” a spokesman explains.
In November, it’s revealed that a senior figure in Scottish Labour has opted not to accept a seat in the Lords. The figure, whose name is known to the Observer, is believed to be in hiding in a safe house after he tells shocked party executive members of his decision. Lord Foulkes of Cumnock says: “We feel this sets a bad precedent for the party. The House of Lords has been a traditional escape route for failed Scottish Labour politicians.”
Theresa May’s festive initiative to provide help for homeless people at Christmas has been welcomed by Ruth Davidson leader of the Scottish Tories. Following the news of a steep rise in the number of people sleeping rough in the UK, Mrs May has made a nationwide appeal for people not to throw out their cardboard gift boxes this Christmas, suggesting that homeless people could make use of them. Ms Davidson says: “People are sleeping rough because they are scared stiff of a second independence referendum, but this initiative from the Compassionate party will provide warmth and comfort to many.
“I’m donating the cardboard box that my new American fridge-freezer arrived in,” she adds, saying this could “easily sleep a family of four”.
