Gore Vidal: watercooler not pictured. Photograph: Eamonn MacCabe
What is it about the arts intelligentsia and the telly? The two don't seem to fit somehow. The medium of TV is uncomfortable with anyone doing anything creative. What we get on terrestrial channels is Fab Macca Sir Paul (when it's not Sting) on the Culture Show http://www.bbc.co.uk/cultureshow/ . And then the ubiquitous Alan Yentob http://www.frankieroberto.com/weblog/714.xhtml and his shiny head (I have it on good authority that he edits out any pics of the back of his bonce), licking DBC Pierre's old chicken jalfrezi takeaway cartons. Presumably, this was why BBC Four http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcfour/ was invented - a flagship super-roony Arts Brilliance Channel that we can all watch with pride and vigorous braininess.
But what a wasted opportunity! At the moment, it seems to be showing some old classical music; a load of things about birds (feathery type, not laydees), and bloody Glastonbury footage - for all the people too sensible to go. It's not really good enough, is it? What it needs is a way to get the punters in - to link the highbrow with the crowd-pleasers.
Consider, if you will, the possibilities...
Lars von Trier's Five Obstructions http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0354575/ does EastEnders
Watch as Pat Butcher walks into the Queen Vic dressed as a Cuban cigar. Then she has to dance Latino in busy Walford high street to J-Lo records. Then she has to do the same but in Ikea. Then Lars has a breakdown because he meant to ask someone else to direct it. NB Could be an idea for Comic Relief.
Martin Amis' Loans
Amis http://books.theguardian.com/authors/author/0,,-4,00.html compares the interest rates on a selection of loans with Adam Self Writer Himself, a fictional character he has just made up which is invented and nothing like himself. "I know nothing about loans," http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php?/site/article/2888/ he froths, imitating widely-loved jungle king Phil Tufnell http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=108&id=897512004. Then everyone falls asleep.
Jeanette Winterson and Lionel Shriver's What Not to Wear
Shriver - not so long ago in the Observer Woman supplement wrote about her legs: "my legs are lovely" http://observer.theguardian.com/woman/story/0,,2096678,00.html . Here she will examine plump women's thighs and tell them off. Winterson will comfort the wretched proles and suggest some shrugs which also hide the upper arm area.
Genesis P Orridge http://blogs.theguardian.com/music/2007/05/a_throbbing_gristle_primer.html Sits in the Pub (subtitles)
Gore Vidal http://www.pitt.edu/~kloman/vidalfintro.html 's Watercooler Challenge
The hero of literature (or something) discusses issues of the day in an office environment, and the best White Van Man-style opinion wins a calligraphy pen.
Harold Pinter goes to work on an egg
"Stuff the government!" "Down with war!" http://www.redpepper.org.uk/arts/x-feb04-pinter.htm If you want to keep lively even if you're getting on a bit, do what Pinter does, eat eggs. As many as you can, every day. Featuring Miriam Stoppard arguing with Harold that her ex-husband Tom is much better, while balancing an omelette on her forehead and giving advice on sexual health. (12 one-hour episodes.)
Tennis with George Melly
A sixty-two parter. Directed by Alex James, only because he's on everything else http://environment.theguardian.com/ethicalliving/story/0,,2098855,00.html at the moment.
Charles Saatchi's Holiday Showdown
Charles and Camilla Nigella have to go somewhere that doesn't sell truffle oil with Jade Goody. (If she can't do it, try Tracey Emin.)
Pingu starring Jarvis Cocker as the loveable, cheeky penguin.
First episode: Pingu http://www.pingu.net/uk/index.htm and the Curse of the Mercury Music Award.
Lauren Laverne interviews Prince Charles, disguised as an organic carrot. This programme will be on BBC2 soon and the other ones might be too.
