My last relationship felt like the best sexual relationship I’d ever had. After my marriage ended, exploring intimacy with a new partner with a well-matched libido felt liberating and life-affirming. After a brief split last summer, she reappeared and said she wanted to have sex again but not to resume as a couple. I declined, explaining that intimacy worked for me only in the context of a relationship. She then said she wanted to get back together, so our relationship briefly resumed.
Two weeks later she said she wanted out again, leaving me feeling I had been duped and manipulated. The destruction of trust has eroded much of the confidence I had gained. I have found it impossible to consider starting a new relationship. How do I move on from this feeling and untangle the damage?
No relationship is perfectly easy and uncomplicated. Most involve periods of uncertainly and confusion. You seem to have a pretty good idea about what you do and don’t want, so act on that and take charge of your life. Avoid the pitfalls of viewing yourself as a victim. Remove the things that don’t work for you, and never re-enter old problems. Refuse to allow the way you may have been treated in the past to stop you finding better relationships, better sexual experiences. You deserve to be happy; allow yourself to be so.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
