Dear Coleen
I’m a married woman in my late 30s with one child. I generally have a very happy marriage, but the pandemic has been tough on us.
Both our jobs have changed – over the past year, I’ve had to work less to look after our son during home schooling, while my husband had to take a significant pay cut.
We’ve kept our heads above water – just.
But we argue about money all the time and it’s getting me down. My husband seems oblivious to how much we need to run the house and pay for our son’s needs, but he accuses me of being unrealistic. Can you help?
Coleen says
Money (more specifically, lack of money) is a major trigger for relationship stress and is also hard to talk about – a bit like sex.
I think you need to acknowledge that it’s a sensitive subject for you both and then agree to sit down and calmly discuss your budget.
Get a pen and paper or pull up a computer spreadsheet, so you can see the figures in black and white, and then go through it together.
If you can, you need to take the emotion out of it and simply deal with the numbers, so you know where you stand.
Like any other relationship issue, you need to come together and work as a team to solve it.
And be transparent about finances – make sure you both have access to bank accounts and bills so there’s no room for any nasty surprises.
And agree on what your money’s going on before you spend it to avoid arguments.
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 40s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year.
He’s having treatment and doing OK, but it’s an uphill battle and he’s not out of the woods.
He’ll know in the next couple of weeks if the treatment is working.
My mum is a pretty upbeat person and has been handling things well, but it’s been hard.
My problem is my younger sister seems to be in denial about how seriously ill our dad is.
She lives 150 miles away, which might have something to do with it, but she’s always been the kind of person who expects things to work out and, when they don’t, it’s a massive blow.
Do I need to spell it out for her that my dad might not recover? I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
Maybe her way of dealing with difficult situations is to have a very positive mindset, but I agree it can be a huge blow when things don’t go the way you want.
And it can be harder to pick yourself up if you haven’t considered the alternative scenario. She’s had the extra pressure of lockdown and being so far away from home, so I think you need to cut her some slack.
I’m sure deep down she accepts your dad is seriously ill and that the outcome is uncertain, but being positive about it isn’t a bad thing.
And I’m sure her attitude is encouraging for your father.
Your parents probably worry about her, too, being so far away. When my sister Bernie was diagnosed with breast cancer, she was relentlessly positive and wanted everyone around her to be the same because that’s what helped her.
Let your sister deal with this her way, keep her up to date with how your dad is and how his treatment is going, and be there to support her if she needs it.
Good luck.
Dear Coleen
My daughter is 23 and has had an on/off relationship with someone for a few years. It’s incredibly stressful for my husband and I because we’re always on tenterhooks, waiting for their next drama to unfold, after which we have to pick up the pieces.
He’s a couple of years older than her, charming, arrogant and a real player.
He’s cheated on her multiple times, prioritises his friends over her and she even walked in on him once when he was in bed with another girl at a party – unbelievably, she forgave him and things started up again.
Unsurprisingly, we don’t want him anywhere near our house, which has been the only upside of lockdown!
But she’s now talking about them looking for a place together, which fills me with horror. How can she even consider this with his history of bedhopping and constant partying?
He’s immature, not committed to her and he’ll never settle down in my opinion. How can we get our lovely daughter to see sense and see this guy for who he really is?
I’m tearing my hair out!
Coleen says
Ah, this is frustrating but when you’re in love (or think you are) it’s very hard to see the real picture I’m afraid.
She’s 23, so you can’t make her cut him out of her life, but you can tell her honestly and calmly how you see the situation and express your concerns.
Tell her you’re saying these things out of love for her and reassure her that you’re always on hand for advice or a shoulder to cry on.
Remind her how great she is and of everything she’s got going for her – the more confident she is, the more able she’ll be to make the right decision if he cheats on her again or keeps dumping her for his mates.
Lockdown has been hard for young people but, you never know, maybe when your daughter starts to see her friends more again and have a proper social life, this guy won’t seem as important. She could also move in with him and realise very quickly that she doesn’t want to put up with his nonsense and it’ll be the catalyst to ending the relationship for good.
It’s a hard situation for a parent, but just be there for her and, if it does go wrong (which looks likely), just support her and don’t say “I told you so”.
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