Dear Coleen
I’m still close friends with a group of people I went to university with more than a decade ago. Two of this group are married to each other and have two young children. Recently, the husband walked out and started “dating” another woman in our group of university friends.
Naturally, his wife is angry and devastated, as she says there were no warning signs and no conversations about how he was feeling – he just upped and left one day and then called her to say the marriage wasn’t working.
Soon after, it transpired he was seeing this other friend.
I don’t know what to do in terms of my friendships – I feel stuck in the middle. I want to support the wife, obviously, but I’m also very close to her husband. In fact, I used to live with him in a shared flat.
Is it possible to stay friends with both of them in the circumstances?
I think what he did and especially how he did it was horrible. I don’t know if he was seeing our other friend before walking out on his marriage, but the intention was obviously there.
We’re all very shocked about it. Can you advise?
What would you tell this reader to do? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
I think in this situation, he’s clearly in the wrong. People fall out of love – that’s life – but he left without warning and with no explanation, and then immediately took up with one of his wife’s close friends.
It’s hideous and, of course, his wife is going to wonder how long this relationship has been going on for.
I guess it depends on which friend you’re closest to, but at this early stage when it’s still very raw, I think his wife needs all the support, love and kindness she can get.
You shouldn’t cancel someone for falling out of love with their partner, but the way he handled it is wrong and cruel, and I think everyone in your friendship group will probably be of the same opinion.
It’s up to him and this other woman to build bridges.
It’s not up to you to make him feel OK with his decisions.
I’ve been in the situation of losing friends when my first marriage broke up and it’s a horrible feeling when you’re already hurting.
