I’m the mother of two teenage boys, aged 19 and 15. We have tried to bring them up as socially aware, kind young men. Last year, my brother’s daughter alleged she had suffered a range of sexual crimes committed by her father over a number of years. He was tried, found guilty and is now in prison.
My niece had asked that as few family members as possible were told about what was going on until the outcome of the trial was known. I respected her wishes, so waited until the sentence was passed before telling my sons. Their response has horrified me. It ranged from disbelief that their cousin “let” this happen, to saying how she must have led him on. They also believe she was selfish in reporting the crime – she had moved away, so why couldn’t she “just get over it”?
I was so hurt by their response that I couldn’t articulate counter-arguments. I got up and walked away, rather than shout, scream and cry, which is what I wanted to do. My husband has tried to explain their reaction in the light of the stress and shock that the whole family has been dealing with for that last 18 months. He says we should talk to them again calmly. I know he’s right, but I can’t stop feeling that I’ve brought up two monsters. I’m so angry at them, and even more furious that my brother’s sickening crimes have not only damaged his daughter and family life, but are also ruining my family. I feel full of hate, and it’s not like me.
What should I do to rebuild my relationship with my sons?
What a devastating thing to happen to your niece, and to your family. I’m so sorry. I hope your niece is getting specialist support.
I’m not surprised you feel so angry with your brother. You must feel enormous shock, too. But don’t project this anger on to your sons. Remember, they are young and only recently learned the news. You have had several months to live with it, so you are at different stages of the journey. What was your first reaction when you heard?
I consulted psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal (bpc.org.uk). He explained that people react in differing ways to abuse in families – they are either punitive (your experience) or in denial (as your sons are). Also, your brother committed not just abuse, but incest, which rightly “provokes a visceral, primal reaction. It challenges the very order of society, and threatens chaos”. In other words, what he has done has turned your family upside down. It’s huge.
Your husband is right, you need to start this conversation calmly (note I say start – you won’t get this sorted in one talk). “Denial and anger,” Blumenthal said, “feed off each other. The angrier you get, the more your sons will try to deny it, and vice versa. You’re all trying to accommodate the shattering news that your family isn’t what you thought. And when emotions run high, the capacity to put oneself in another person’s shoes evaporates.” Remember that, whatever the subject, the more you have to defend your point of view, the less you hear someone else’s. Education and progress are impossible from entrenched positions.
Blumenthal also asked what your brother meant to your sons. “Did they look up to him? Was he a role model?” If so, don’t underestimate what this would do to them and how hard they are trying to make it right for themselves. Their cousin seems – to them – the one who upset the status quo (she didn’t, of course; your brother did), so their wrath is currently aimed at her. This is wrong and your sons’ responses are not enlightened but they are not unusual, unfortunately. It doesn’t mean your sons are monsters.
Clearly, emotions are running very high. “You all need to hear each other’s voices,” Blumenthal said, “and to do that, you all need to feel safe.” You are trying to right this enormous wrong in your exchange with your sons, but you can’t. You don’t need to counter their arguments. Instead, calmly ask things that will promote thought, such as: “Why would you think that? How would you feel in that situation?” And, crucially: “What do you think this has been like for your cousin?”
Give them time, and be kind to each other. They need guidance and help to navigate this. All your anger should be directed at your brother: he alone is responsible.
• napac.org.uk, stopitnow.org.uk
Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
