A man turned to Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole forum recently after clashing with his wife about finances and family priorities. He said he asked his wife to return to work so he could help his younger brother pay for college.
The post quickly drew thousands of comments and votes, sparking a debate about marriage, caregiving, and obligations to extended family. The husband explained his brother cared for their mother with dementia for six years after their father died.
Brother Put Life On Hold
The Redditor wrote that his brother, who is on the autism spectrum, left college before graduating to care for their mother full-time.
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According to the post, the brother had nearly finished his degree but dropped out when their father passed away. While playing online game "World of Warcraft," the man asked his brother about future plans.
The brother said he wanted to return to school but only if someone stayed at home with their mother, refusing to place her in a nursing home unless doctors advised it was necessary.
Wife Raises Concerns
When the husband shared this plan with his wife, she strongly objected. He said she believed their money and time should focus on their children, now in school. The wife felt that asking her to work so his income could cover outside caregiving would put their kids second.
"My brother is my family also," the man wrote, insisting that his wife underestimated the responsibility his brother carried. He also said moving their mother in was not possible since all her services were tied to her state and his wife refused to live with someone with dementia.
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Commenters Offer Practical Options
Reddit users suggested alternatives. One pointed out that Medicare Advantage or Medicaid waivers could pay stipends to family caregivers, depending on the state. Another urged the man to check insurance plans and contact adult social services for available resources.
"It is stupid to leave money on the table. Most programs are not advertised because the insurance companies do not want you to use them," a commenter wrote. Others recommended the brother explore financial aid or online classes to finish his degree while continuing care duties.
Many responses sympathized with the brother, with some caregivers noting how draining long-term dementia care can be. "Most families don't want to deal with their parents when they have dementia," one professional caregiver wrote, praising the brother's sacrifice.
Others highlighted the strain on the marriage, warning the wife could resent working only to fund care for her in-laws. A hospice nurse said resentment can build when one spouse feels forced to give up time with their children to support extended family.
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