I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months. He has asked if I will come to a swingers’ party and watch porn with him. I’m pretty sexually adventurous (I even work in the sex industry, although he doesn’t know this), but I see red when he talks about this and feel sick to my stomach. Jealousy? Insecurity? I don’t know … I want him to love me, not think of me as a sex object.
Many people talk about fantasies they have no intention of pursuing in reality, so first you should gauge whether he really means it. When deep love develops, most people become more capable of true intimacy. But there are men out there who are able to avoid acting out their fantasy lives, so don’t settle for a situation where you don’t feel valued. If you think there might be a future with this man, it would be wise to tell him what you really want and what you don’t – and see if he responds appropriately. It may be that your line of work has made you not only crave connected love-making, but also be particularly sensitive to the notion of sexual exploration outside your partnership. That is part of who you are and he needs to respect it. Teach him to appreciate this aspect of you or find someone else who does. What you are seeking in a longterm partner is perfectly valid and important, and if you maintain your desired criteria you will eventually find such a person.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
