'My boyfriend wants an open relationship but I can't - he's the love of my life'

Dear Coleen

I met my boyfriend at ­university nine years ago when we were both only 20. Until quite recently I’d say we had a solid relationship – we’re on the same wavelength, we have fun together, respect each other and sex has always been good. At least I think so.

Over the past few months, though, my boyfriend has become a bit disengaged and started going out a lot more with his friends.

When I finally confronted him about it, he confessed he’s struggling with our relationship at the moment and feels we got together too young.

He then dropped a bombshell, admitting he fantasises a lot about sleeping with other women and thinks an open relationship is the way to go.

I’m still hurting badly from this and literally can’t believe he wants us both to sleep with other people. An open ­relationship is not what I want and I’m panicking about what’s next.

We’re still living together, but not talking much, and when we do talk it usually ends up with me screaming at him and him saying he’s already told me how he feels.

I don’t know what to do and would love some advice. He’s the love of my life.

'He dropped a bombshell, admitting he fantasises a lot about sleeping with other women' (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Coleen says

This is hard because by him saying he’s told you how he feels, he’s thrown the ball into your court, so it’s your decision.

I don’t think screaming at him will change his mind – if anything, it’ll make him want to walk faster in the other direction.

You don’t want an open ­relationship (I wouldn’t either), so you have to think about your future and what you deserve, which is a relationship with commitment and boundaries. I know that feeling of “I won’t get over this – he’s the love of my life”, and when it ends, it is hard.

It does feel as if you’ll never get over it, but I promise you that you will and you’ll be stronger and wiser, you’ll be clearer about what you want and you’ll have your self-respect.

Sometimes you have to let a person go. Your boyfriend might go and come back when he realises the grass isn’t greener, and it might be you, in the end, who doesn’t want him back.

I had a friend who went through the same thing. She needed to go off for a year and find herself and now she’s back with her partner and they’re married with kids.

The bottom line is, you can’t force him to stay. Let him go but don’t put your life on hold.

I think he’s trying to keep his options open – he wants some freedom, but still needs you in case he doesn’t like it.