Dear Coleen
My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months and we’re really happy and in love.
When we both met he’d recently come out of a 10-year relationship that had been struggling for a while, and I’d also parted ways with my partner of six years. We instantly clicked and we felt right together from the start.
My problem is, his ex-girlfriend is still very much on the scene. She’s very close to his two sisters and his mum (who she runs errands for a lot).
They invite her to everything because they see her as part of the family.
I also get the impression his sisters feel cheated and keep hoping that if his ex is around all the time, my boyfriend will realise what a terrible mistake he’s made and get back together with her!
His family are nice enough to me, but I know they don’t take our relationship seriously. It’s like they’re in denial. I have brought it up with my boyfriend and he gets it, but he says they’re friends and he can’t ban them all from seeing each other.
I don’t understand why his ex wants to be around us either because we don’t really engage with her, other than to say a friendly “hello” and “goodbye”.
She came to his niece’s christening a couple of weeks back and it was so awkward. I’d love your take on it.
Coleen says
No, you can’t tell people who to be friends with, but I think you can organise family events (including your family) that don’t involve the ex.
Maybe it’s up to you and your boyfriend to take the reins a bit.
Also, I think your boyfriend needs to step up here and be truthful with his family (it’s better coming from him than from you because, if they fall out, they’re more likely to get over it and move on).
He needs to make it clear that he’s with you now and he’d like them to respect that by not having his ex at every family occasion. There must be plenty of other opportunities for his sisters and mum to see the ex.
They should be more concerned about alienating your boyfriend and you because, let’s face it, there’s going to come a point where you’ll start turning down invites if his ex is going to be there.
I really can’t imagine what’s in it for her because if she is still in love with your boyfriend then it must be torture for her to see you two together. Someone should be advising her to make the break and move on.
