Get all your news in one place.
100’s of premium titles.
One app.
Start reading
The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Lifestyle
Pamela Stephenson Connolly

My boyfriend is instantly aroused – and climaxes without touching me

Sexual Healing image posed by models of a woman and man sitting far apart, looking stressed.
‘This happens every time …’ Composite: GNM Design/Getty (posed by models)

Ever since I’ve been with my boyfriend of two years, he gets an erection almost instantly when we’re in the bedroom. He then finishes very quickly, without any penetration and sometimes with no stimulation whatsoever. This happens every time. He then almost always finds it difficult to maintain an erection later that night. He is chronically sleep deprived and stressed due to work, and enjoys his alcohol, although we don’t drink when we’re together. I’m quite sure he’s attracted to me and the sex is not bad, but I wish he could maintain an erection more regularly.

You are accepting of a great deal. Why? Do you not think you deserve better or have a right to ask for change? Chronic sleep deprivation, alcohol abuse, rapid ejaculation with presumably little pleasure for you … plus the insecurities about attractiveness he is instilling in you. I’m trying to understand why you are putting up with things that are not good for either of you. There are treatments and solutions for all these issues so pay attention to your own needs as well as his and at least make him aware that this doesn’t work for you. You urgently need to educate him about what you want, and gently help him to understand he is getting into very unhealthy patterns of behaviour – sexually and work-wise – that are unnecessary and fixable.

  • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

  • Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Sign up to read this article
Read news from 100’s of titles, curated specifically for you.
Already a member? Sign in here
Related Stories
Top stories on inkl right now
One subscription that gives you access to news from hundreds of sites
Already a member? Sign in here
Our Picks
Fourteen days free
Download the app
One app. One membership.
100+ trusted global sources.