I’m a 31-year-old woman. Yesterday my boyfriend told me he doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with me. He’s very insecure and feels he ejaculates too quickly. I also think he’s depressed. I’m really trying to support him, but I’m frequently away for work. I love him deeply, but I’m on edge. I feel like I’m clamming up emotionally to protect myself in case we break up.
Besides being the natural outcome of mutual attraction, sex between two people is a physical expression of the truths within their relationship. Perhaps he is physically mirroring what he perceives you to be doing through your absences – withdrawing. This is not a matter of sexual incompatibility. Rather, in terms of your work, lifestyle, and general relationship, a deterioration seems to have occurred and must urgently be addressed. Is he partly depressed because he has lost the connection with you he once had? His sadness certainly requires attention. Don’t just guess what’s wrong with him: sit him down and really listen. Don’t interrupt, just reflect back what he says so he feels truly heard. Then it’s your turn to express your sadness at the loss of your sex life, and the difficulties of your work schedule. Both of you need to contribute to devising a way to achieve intimacy. Ejaculating too early can be corrected – what’s important is that you understand exactly what is going on in his head.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
