My boyfriend and I started having sex about three weeks ago, but have known each other a long time. He was a virgin before we started being intimate. When we do have sex, he doesn’t seem to be able to climax, which isn’t something I have encountered before. I can make him ejaculate when I use my hand, but intercourse and oral sex don’t seem to do much for him. He stays aroused and says he enjoys the intimacy, but he just doesn’t seem to get pleasure from intercourse. I don’t know why, and it’s making me very insecure.
Try not to take this personally. A man who has experienced pleasure and orgasm only through masturbation needs time to adjust to being sexual with someone else. You can help him by encouraging him to be very frank about what feels good and what doesn’t. Perhaps he would even share his masturbation technique with you. If it tends to be very rough, then it would make sense that vaginal sex may not allow him to climax at this point. But no matter how he masturbates, the “bridging” of the different sensations – solo and vaginal/oral – is typically challenging to begin with. Be understanding about the fact that he is only just beginning to learn about lovemaking, and that it will take some time for his body and mind to adapt and his confidence to build. Sexual education is a continuing process throughout your life as changes occur in your body, desires, partner and life situation. Good communication is eternally essential for any couple.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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