Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 40s and I’ve been married for 12 years.
My wife and I don’t have kids, as she never wanted children, but we do have much-loved dogs and cats.
The first few years of our marriage were great – my wife had a brilliant job, we moved into our dream house, and we were very happy.
However, she became very stressed and then depressed after management changes at her work.
She felt bullied there and eventually I told her just to pack in the job because the salary wasn’t worth the stress.
I suggested we sell the house and downsize so we could survive on my salary.
It was fine for a while, but she’s turned into such a bitter, angry person.
She makes no effort with her appearance, she drinks too much and then complains about everyone and everything.
Her health isn’t good and she takes it all out on me.
She snaps and barks at me all the time, and doesn’t care who’s around, which leaves me feeling embarrassed and upset. I try to laugh it off in company, but it gets to me.
We argue a lot – she blames me for everything, even stuff that I haven’t been involved in.
Her behaviour is wearing thin and I’d love some advice.
Coleen says
First of all, has she ever had professional help for her depression?
From what you say, it sounds as if she’s self-medicating with booze and taking her anger and frustration out on you instead of unpacking it through talking or having therapy.
The rug’s been pulled from under her, she’s angry with the world, she can’t see a way out of it and you’re in the firing line.
I think at some point, you have to give her some home truths, but also say, “Let’s make a plan and let me help you – what do you want to do with your life?”
The trouble is, when you’re in the midst of depression, it’s hard to see the wood for the trees and it’s hard to see any positives in your life to build on.
So, I’d encourage her to have counselling. You could even suggest joint sessions and, if she’s not keen on the idea, then go yourself.
If you feel supported, it might give you the strength to tackle your relationship in a different way.
There are also lots of resources online – start with mental health charity mind.org.uk.
But don’t feel guilty for suggesting she left a job that was making her miserable – she shouldn’t blame you.
Also, when someone is snapping and embarrassing you constantly, you’d have to be a robot not to react.
