Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s and have a good friend whom I’ve known since uni.
We’re now both married with kids and our wives are friends too.
I saw him about a week ago and he confided in me that he was thinking of having an affair with a woman who’s part of his cycling group.
He says they have been getting close for a while now and he feels it’s heading one way – into bed.
I just don’t know what has got into him.
He has a lovely wife and great kids and he’s about to set a bomb off in his life.
I don’t know what I can say to him to make him reconsider.
Do you have any advice?
Coleen says
I think couples can be vulnerable to affairs at that point when the excitement goes out of a relationship. Every long-term pairing goes through that – suddenly you’re not getting dressed up for a date, you’ve got kids and a stressful job.
What your friend has to think about is what he’s got to lose if he has an affair. And he wouldn’t just be losing a partner, but losing a life – potentially friends and even family – for a little bit of excitement.
If his reason is he’s not in love with his wife, then they should talk about it and sort it out.
But if it’s just because things have become dull, then it’s possible to work at that bit.
I had an affair with someone who made me feel good about myself for a short time because my partner didn’t. So I know the horrible realisation, knowing you might lose everything and cause so much heartache.
All it would have taken was a conversation with my partner to avoid the whole sorry mess, so that’s what you have to advise your friend to do.
