It is a truth universally unacknowledged at Westminster that there is life after politics. When I was telling my colleagues in the spring of 2010 that in the autumn I was going to be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, the cross-party response was identical and monosyllabic: “Don’t!”
Each gave the same reason, soberly warning me that I would lose my gravitas. Actually it was gravity I had most of the problems with on Strictly, but in any case my reply was that, yes, I would indeed lose my gravitas, but what did I now want it for.
Oddly, I seemed to be the only one who appreciated that the day and hour in which parliament was dissolved in 2010 was the same day and hour in which I ceased to be an MP, and from that moment onwards I had no longer the remotest obligation to think, act or take decisions as though I were still a serious politician devising policy or representing constituents. It took not only colleagues but commentators a long time to catch up with that realisation as for 10 weeks I was spun, lifted, thrown and flown across the dance floor.
It still baffles me. After all, the fact that Glenda Jackson took all her clothes off for a film did not mean she was disregarded when she entered parliament, and Brian Rix regularly lost his trousers in Whitehall farces but was still taken seriously when he arrived in Whitehall proper as a peer with a lot of experience from his work at Mencap. Actors and entertainers can become parliamentarians, so why should parliamentarians not become entertainers and actors?
Ed Balls is clearly gearing up for a career shift and preparing to enter Luvvyland with the revelation that he has signed up for the next series of Strictly. I have no idea whether he can dance. Peter Mandelson really can, as I found out when we danced together for charity (only the prospect of raising money for charity could have persuaded us to embrace). He was almost as good as Anton du Beke, even managing to perform a lift. What a pity he didn’t take up dancing rather than politics.
Ed will find his Westminster background an advantage on Strictly. He will have to think about every move, show some nifty footwork and sell himself to the public – but only he can decide whether he wants to try dancing seriously. It took Anton about two hours to decide that the less time I spent with my feet on the floor the better and thereafter it was comedy all the way.
Strictly is always the beginning not the end. Next comes the live tour, then the pantomime offers (I can see Ed as an ogre or the big bad wolf who eats up Little Red Riding Hood’s granny). Professionals use Strictly as a relaunch of flagging careers. In my year Kara Tointon won. She had been talking about giving up acting in favour of interior design, but the glitter ball led to a role as Eliza Doolittle in the West End. Outsiders use Strictly to launch a new career. Dash it, I even had a role at the Royal Opera House (spoken, naturally). So the opportunities opening up for Ed should be interesting.
He needs to assess the scene shrewdly. Edwina Currie misread the programme completely, talked sex and showed her knickers. She was the first out. Strictly’s strength is its appeal to all the family. The greatest compliment I was paid during my stint was from a lady at Paddington station who told me that every time the programme came on her four-year-old son would demand: “Where’s that granny, Mummy? I want the granny to win.” Can Ed laugh at himself that much? We shall see.
Ed can expect the judges to be exceptionally rude. I was the first politician ever on the show and they knew they could be as rude to me as they liked, and that instead of the usual Strictly response of tears they would get rudeness back. Ed’s repartee with Craig Revel Horwood is likely to win him a lot of votes. His years at Westminster will have prepared him well for the lightning response and the classic putdown. He will simply think of the judges’ table as the dispatch box and go into overdrive.
I hope he flies. Politicians like to be high-fliers after all, but I look forward to seeing his expression when he comes back down to earth. I also look forward to seeing with whom he is dancing, because that is the key – and as Ed’s wife, Yvette Cooper may need to be pretty restrained about some of the antics Ed and his dancing partner could get up to. But it will only be pantomime, Yvette. Just like Westminster, really.
