Ha, good idea. Kind of one of those endurance shows like The Island with Bear Grylls, plus history. It’s called Mutiny (Channel 4) and the broadcaster plays the part of Fletcher Christian, casting a bunch of men adrift in the South Pacific.
In the Captain Bligh role is former Special Boat Service sniper Ant Middleton, already known to a television audience as the chief instructor in SAS: Who Dares Wins. “We’re by ourselves, this is it,” he says to the men as they’re abandoned. Earlier, he told the camera the journey was going to be “tougher for me than it was for Bligh”.
The boat is a replica, just 7 metres (23 feet) long and open to the elements. They have similar equipment, and rations – not very many ship’s biscuits, plus a bit of dried beef. They make for a nearby volcanic island (the same one as William Bligh did), to try to supplement their supplies. There’s little there though, apart from a few coconuts. But they do find trouble, among themselves. Chris from Liverpool is not much of a team player and doesn’t like to be told what to do. It’s probably why he’s there. Well, they’ve got to think about television entertainment as well as the trip: group harmony – everyone getting on and pulling together (literally, when the wind dies) – doesn’t make for the most thrilling viewing. Plus, if any voyage needs a rift, it’s this one. Perhaps they too are heading for mutiny. That would be the dream wouldn’t it?
Chris isn’t their only issue. They have a stormy night, and get cold, wet, hungry and seasick. It’s cramped, smelly and frightening. Then they’re becalmed. Their hands turn white, soft and useless. It’s not tougher than it was for Bligh, though. Possibly personally, for Ant, because of who he is and because of his crew. He’s got to look after this lot; Bligh can’t have expected to make it. And, as Ant says, “when ships were made of wood, men were made of steel”. But their journey isn’t tougher. Numbers for starters. Ant has nine men in his boat, and it’s cramped. In Bligh’s, there were 19 (to begin with).They could barely move, and the boat was so loaded down that the sides were only nine inches above the sea.
Then there’s the “we’re by ourselves” bit. They’re not – there’s a support ship following them, never far away. We don’t see it in the first episode, though it makes an appearance in the second – and perhaps viewers should deduce that it is there all along. I understand that it needs to be there, and that you can’t make reality television in which contestants actually die. But I think exactly what they had with them should have been made clearer.
Shame, because otherwise it is a totally legitimate exercise. And extraordinary – getting on for 4,000 miles in an open boat. And getting on – or not – with eight other people who are never more than 7 metres away, for 60 days. Good television too – more interesting than Bear’s Island because of the historical element.
I’m already excited for a possible follow-up: Shackleton. But celebrities, this time, from Towie and Geordie Shore, in an open boat from Elephant Island to South Georgia, then over the mountains … yes, I think that works – over to you, Channel 4.
And this is lovely: How’d You Get So Rich? (Channel 4). In which deadpan Canadian comedian Katherine Ryan roots around in the lives of Steve and Tracy Smith, who sold Poundland for £50m; and Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Doctor Raj, who charges up to $50,000 for a nose job; and Danny Lambo, who drives one (a Lambo, in orange) around Chelsea and claims to be Britain’s flashiest playboy.
How’s that lovely, you ask? Well because Katherine is hilarious. And totally gets involved – appears in Danny’s sleazy music promo, has a cosmetic procedure from Doctor Raj, goes under the needle if not the knife.
But also because she’s totally non-judgmental. Well, if she does – judge, that is – she’s not showing it. It’s up to the viewer. So if you think some of Steve and Tracy’s interior decor is a bit over the top, you can – you snob. (Come on, he paints the ceilings himself, it’s a Sistine Chapel, the Poundland one.) Or perhaps you find Danny and his Lambo a little vulgar and loud. Maybe you even disapprove of plastic surgery? Katherine doesn’t, though … not to Dr Raj anyway. And she gets so much more out of him, from all of them, because of it. They love her. I do too if I’m honest. And the show. Cheering is the new sneering.
