Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby.
It's a common problem, affecting more than one in every 10 women within a year of giving birth.
There are many factors that can contribute to PND, including previous depression or other mental health problems, depression or anxiety in pregnancy, lack of support, a recent stressful event such as a relationship ending, domestic violence or abuse, or having arrived in a developed country as a refugee or to seek asylum.
READ MORE: How four different 'parenting styles' could influence who your children become
I’ll never forget waking up already feeling defeated and exhausted. Each day felt like a mountain to climb. I’d been running on empty for months and I had nothing left.
Exhausted from night feeds, endless washing and cleaning, trying to keep up with baby groups and swimming lessons whilst trying to lose my “baby weight”, keep up with friends and social events, live on maternity pay, buy all the extra things a baby needs, plan for Christmas, come to terms with having a prolapse - I used to Google my symptoms during the night feeds and read mumsnet threads in horror! It took weeks for me to pluck up the courage to see my GP about it, and when they referred me straight for surgery I felt like the biggest failure in the world.
The weighted blanket of sadness and defeat enveloped me every day until exactly 2pm. When, for some strange reason, it magically disappeared and I felt ok again. Felt like I could manage again. Felt alive again. Felt able to breath and think again.
I loved my baby and I knew I was a good mum. But when the unstoppable morning came each day, I was honestly devastated I hadn’t died in the night. I couldn’t even sleep at night. On top of the night feeds, depression fills your head with so much noise, you can’t fall asleep, despite your desperation. This torture contributes to your lack of energy until it builds into a physical pain.
I didn’t tell anyone. Discussions about mental health have come a long way in the last 12 years. Back then, no one really spoke about depression. Facebook was huge and everyone was committed to displaying their best lives every day. I continued to play my part in the world, whilst feeling broken inside. Scared that asking for help meant they’d question my ability to care for my precious baby.
My biggest fear was being seen as a failure or not being believed. Let me tell you, people don’t fake depression, they fake being ok! And if you do ask for help, you’ll most likely be treated with sympathy and thought of as strong for speaking up. Because it isn’t easy.
When I finally went to my GP I burst into tears and said something like “everyone’s happy and I’m not. I have everything and I’m just so overwhelmingly sad about it.”
She was amazing! Told me that everyone was lying about being happy, and said that if I took these pills I’d feel better again. So desperate by the time I’d built up the courage to go to the doctor, the news that these magic pills could take two weeks to work, broke me. I didn’t see myself making it through another day like this.
But take the pills I did, and that time passed anyway. Eventually my mind stilled and I could think again. I could sleep again. I could get out of bed without holding back tears again. Slowly, I climbed from the very depths of despair to managing.
I booked the surgery, took time to recover, went back to work. Then from there I built and built until I was actually enjoying my life.
I got a new job and moved to a nicer area, stopped keeping alcohol in the house, got big into herbal tea and concentrated on doing small things that made me happy… cooking lovely food, planning fun days out, holidays and adventures with my amazing son.
There are things I have to do every day to keep my mental health in check. Drink loads of water, plan ahead, keep my house clean, cook nourishing food with plenty of vegetables, sleep eight hours, exercise, say no to things I don’t want to do, not get upset about things I can’t control, stay away from hormone based contraception, keep on top of my work, be mindful who I spend time with and who I allow in our lives, go outside, stay away from anyone who’s not committed to adding value to our life or making our lives easier. I don’t care if it’s immediate family, a partner or a dream job. Anyone or anything that continuously does things to make life more difficult or complicated, gone.
Depression, if you’ve had it, is always there. It can sneak back in without you noticing, if something happens to set you back or you accidentally pick up bad habits like drinking more, not sleeping properly, being too busy and not eating well. It’s a job to manage every single day. But if you learn to manage it well, it can be amazing!
I jump out of bed excited every morning now, but I’ll never forget the days I couldn’t.
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