MTV Europe music awards 2013 – in pictures

Stuart Heritage: 'Oh wow. Miley's up first. She's wearing a silver rubber skirt. She's wearing the exact same thing that the lead singer of Babylon Zoo wore in the video for that sing of his. She's also twerking fairly heavily into a midget's face, so that's something' Photograph: Peter Dejong/AP

'MC Redfoo onstage. Next up: the single most annoying man who has ever walked the face of the entire sodding planet. "Woo! Yeah! You're looking sexy and you know it! Woo! Yeah baby! Owww! Woo!" he goes. He's just ripped his shirt off. Now he's presenting in a pair of Speedos …' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV

'Anyway, not to make the host look comparatively less douchey, here's Robin Thicke. And Robin Thicke's troupe of sad-faced female dancers who I'm choosing to believe are doing this against their will. I don't know Morse code, but I'm pretty sure they're all blinking desperate pleas for help …' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV

'But now Katy Perry is singing a song called Unconditional. You know that song Roar that she did? It's the same as that, but with the word 'unconditional' where the word 'roar' used to go. However, she's singing on top of a maypole, so that's nice' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV

'The maypole dancers have yanked their ribbons away, and now Katy is just hanging in mid-air in a sparkly top that's got lots of lights trained at it. Don't tell anyone, but I think she might be regenerating' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV

'Will Ferrell as Anchorman's Ron Burgundy has filmed a special little interlude for the EMAs. It's the only thing I've seen that makes me not want to watch Anchorman 2. He does call Daft Punk 'a pair of inexplicable continentals', though, so it's not an entirely lost cause' Photograph: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for MTV

'And now, just to kick all the fun out of the room, here's Kings Of Leon to perform a song that doesn't have a tune. They're performing behind a kind of mesh barrier …' Photograph: Sven Hoogerhuis, POOL/EPA

'But Bruno Mars is performing now. Next to a pole dancer. I think. This performance has all the camera effects of a late-era episode of the Old Grey Whistle Test, so it's quite hard to tell what's going on. Perhaps Bruno Mars wanted to show us what it's like to have cataracts, because that's roughly the effect …' Photograph: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for MTV

'And now the moment we've all been waiting for - it's Miley Cyrus. She's singing Wrecking Ball. She's wearing a leotard. Her tongue is still inside her head. She isn't really moving about very much. At the moment, she's making Kings Of Leon look like Cirque Du Soleil …' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV

'Now, for reasons I can't quite work out, it's time for a performance from The Killers. I might have got that wrong. From looking at them, I'm pretty sure I'm actually watching a supergroup that consists of Brian Adams, Jamie Afro, Comic Book Guy and Jesus. And they might be doing A Phil Collins cover. I don't know …' Photograph: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

'And now there's a performance by Eminem. He's doing Berserk, while standing in front of a massive ghetto blaster. That's basically it. His microphone doesn't seem to be working properly, because only about one in every five of his words is actually loud enough to hear …' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV

So who's won BEST VIDEO? I'll tell you - it's Miley Cyrus for Wrecking Ball. There's a message for everyone. You want awards? Take your clothes off, lick a hammer and then burst into tears. As a special reward to her fans for supporting her, Miley shows everyone what her vagina looks like and then lights a joint. The Mail Online sidebar breathes a sigh of relief. It gets to stay in business for another day Photograph: Remko De Waal/Reuters

'And now for the evening's final performance. It's Icona Pop. They're both dressed as Katy Perry, which is weird. Maybe they're who Katy regenerated into earlier. Still, this song deserves to close the MTV EMAs for 2013, because it's been used for more ITV2 lifestyle show promos than any other song of the year …' Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Images for MTV