Well. Literally. Worst. Half. Term. EVER? As in everyone who was not skiing was basically counting sleeps until *hyperventilates* LFW, but because of SUTBW, I am not even FROW-ready #lfw #fml #sutbw? Mummy’s like, oh do speak English, what is SUTBW, not something rude I hope, I’m like, God you must literally be the only person on EARTH who does not know it means Sucking Up to Boris Week, & I am i/c Boris sucking-up while Dave is away srsly if I have to take his hideous beanie *voms* one more time – omigod, there is his beanie outside, I must run & flatter him :( Mummy’s like, do not tell me you are alone, the whole world knows he is not NSAWCCTV, I’m like what, she’s like, Not Safe Anywhere Without Closed Circuit TV? I’m like, no worries, he has Marina riding pillion, Mummy’s like, well now she is a QC, I’m like excuse me, srsly, why would you even boast about quidco #weird #Johnsons.
Mummy’s like, careful, do not forget Stanley, I’m like, on it, Nancy has promised him a complimentary world cruise, inclusive of all drinks & tips & featuring a minimum of one sumptuous dinner at the captain’s table with chef’s speciality canapes at a premier “Meet Stanley” event, if he can persuade Boris to pretend he backs Dave for a period of not less than 24 hours, Mummy’s like, speak up, what is that appalling banging noise, I’m like, Boris, obvs, practising deafening eclat, I must go & compliment him, plus Marina wants to discuss legal sovereignty before she measures the curtains & Dave will be texting any minute, appaz everyone has totes fallen for him non-swank just like I predicted #charming, the French adore the Beatrix Potter books & Dave promised the little Hungarian man a scooter if he gives in on child benefit, but now the Greek one is furious because he only got a yoyo, I mean I totally told them it should be a scented candle?
Mummy’s like *export tariffs voice* but Dave will win? I’m like, are you serious *high-level diplomacy face* wait until they find he has got an Etch A Sketch for every delegate, oh here is Dave now - Nancy darling! Quick, Daddy wants to know, what’s the capital of Poland? World’s biggest luxury lifestyle brand?
