Well goodness knows what you tell the children, the editors should be literally shot, I said to Mummy, literally, we were just reading the papers when Nancy went, Dad, is Petronella even a name? Dave’s like, um, Nancy’s like, because this woman called Petronella is saying you tried to go out with her before Mum? I’m like, are you sure she is not talking about Boris, everyone knows that, Nancy’s like, yes, look Mum! I’m like *voms* WTF, she’s like, IKR, God Dad what were you even like, is she mad, Dad? Dave’s like, haha, look give it to me, Nancy’s like, eeeuw, listen, “his hands violated the neutrality of my posterior”, lol, what does that mean, Dad, it sounds weird.
I’m like *snatches paper away*, it means a very big dead cat had better land on a table tomoz, Dave’s like, fine, I’ll order in a compassionate Monday speech, I’m like, oh please, he’s like, OK we’ll bring forward the Remain pamphlet, let me call Craig, I’m like no, TOMOZ, stop Petronella happening – & Nancy I do not mean by telling everyone I have a new wardrobe co-ordinator, Rosie is a genius.
Mummy’s like, so was it you, the whole Panama thing, I’m like, I wish, God, Dave was literally going thank you Lord, this was totes beyond expectations, Petronella’s posterior is literally ancient history, all we got was a text from the Goveys going “Petsy rofl!!! #groping #awk thinking of u Sam at this difficult time xoxoxo”.
I mean Nancy says Panama is even worse than Petronella, shamewise, I’m like, excuse me, there is only one Petronella, thank God, but basically everybody has a Panama thingy am I right? Mummy’s like, exactly what I said to Willie, when he started complaining about that butler, I said well don’t forget the dear Bamfords & Flemings, though for heaven’s sake the little butler proves that there is nothing remotely unusual about making sensible tax arrangements, Dave might want to mention that, btw darling do we know the Brink’s-Mats? I’m like, let me think – Chippy, husband divine, wife a bit dull, never out of Daylesford? Mummy’s like, of course, now darling, do ask your heavenly wardrobe co-ordinator, are culottes really a thing??
